A fitness coach that I’ve worked with is a world-class coach – Dan John has worked with NFL teams, Olympians, and collegiate champions and he’s learned a lot about helping people grow. In college, he was a discus thrower, and he still works with a lot of track and field athletes and likes to tell the story of teaching a group of young athletes who were learning how to throw. He told the group that the discus throw is a simple movement: twist, step, twist, jump, and he demonstrated it. Simple. Then a young athlete tried to mimic the motion and tripped over his own legs, fell to the ground, and complained “You said this was easy.” Coach responded, “No. I said it was simple, not easy.”
Well, this morning’s
exhortation from St. Paul falls into that same category: simple, not easy. “Owe
no one anything, except to love one another.” Then, in Matthew, Jesus gives us
very simple instructions on how to deal with conflict. If we had read just two
verses further, we would have heard Jesus say “Forgive not seven times, but, I
tell you, seventy-seven times.” Simplicity and ease do not always go hand in
hand. At St. Luke’s, we talk a lot about becoming the beloved community, which
sounds quite lovely, but it is certainly not easy. And it’s not easy because
love is not easy. And love is not easy because people are not easy.
The word “love” is asked
to mean too many things in our culture. We love a pair of shoes, we love a
particular brand of fizzy water, we love our family, and God loves us. I’m not
sure there’s another word that has such a wide range of usages. So if we’re
going to talk about love, we have to at least be on the same page. One of the
better understandings of love comes from a Medieval theologian who said “To
love is to will the good of the other.” So love is about the will – about our
intentions and actions, not our emotions, feelings, or preferences. And love is
about pursuing the good. It’s the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would
have them do to you. The word “good,” in the language of Scripture, means “as
God intends.” So love is about acting in accordance with God’s direction and
desire. Finally, love is about the other. Love, if it is a godly and holy love,
is always directed beyond us. We act in love not to gain something for
ourselves, but purely for the good of another. The image of this sort of love
that is willing the good of the other is Jesus on the cross. We love because God first loved us. So when we speak
of love, that’s the image to bring to mind.
This idea of willing the
good of the other is what St. Paul says, “The commandments are summed up in
this word: love your neighbor as yourself.” He is quoting Leviticus, which
reads, “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge, but you shall love your
neighbor as yourself.” This is the same passage that Jesus quotes when he adds
a citation from Deuteronomy to it, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and will.” Jesus
says that this confluence of love is the greatest commandment.
And this willful
commitment to pursuing the good of others is what makes the Church a beloved
community. The joys of being in relationship are so holy and life-giving. When
a church resembles a beehive – lots of individuals all working together and
buzzing with mission, the end result is far sweeter than honey. I’ve mentioned before
a new book called “The Great Dechurching” which is about the seismic shifts in
the religious landscape of America. One of the conclucions of the research in
that book is that one of the primary reasons people leave the church is a
deterioration of relationships and one of the reasons why people are willing to
come back to church is when they want to find new relationships. We can have
the best music in Christendom, the most well-rehearsed liturgy, the most
exciting programming, and, as St. Paul says, if we don’t have love, we’re just
a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. We cannot love without being in community,
and we cannot be a thriving community without love.
This is simple. I don’t
need pages and pages to convey the message. But what would take books and books
to cover is dealing with all of the complications that we run into trying to
simply love one another, because beloved community not easy because people are
not easy.
Jesus knows this. This is
why he tells us, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and
point out the fault.” St. Paul said, “Owe no one anything, except to love one
another.” That’s why Jesus’ instruction is not “If someone sins against you,
tell them off and find some new friends.” We can’t do that in the Church
because we owe one another love. And the debt of love is no one that can ever
be paid-off. Love is infinite, and so our relationships endure. The simple,
even if not easy to hear, truth is that we are never done with one another. We
can become separated and estranged, but we’re still in relationship with
another. The question isn’t “do I want to stay in a relationship with this
person?,” the question is “what kind of relationship am I called to be in with
this person?”
Owing love to one another
is not easy because, too often, we struggle to forgive. We hold onto our
resentments as if they were among our most valuable possessions. The word
“forgive” means to “let go.” But we don’t want to let go of our sense that
we’re better, or more reliable, or more trustworthy, or more capable than that
person. We don’t want to let go of whatever favors we feel entitled to because
of past wrongs. We don’t want to let go because we like having the barrier of
anger or antipathy between us so that we feel like we have an excuse for our
estrangement.
I do need to offer a
disclaimer here – this commitment to relationship is about pursuing beloved
community; verbal, physical, or emotional abuse is never something to be
accepted, normalized, or tolerated. Because of human imperfection and
brokenness, some relationships are not reconcilable on this side of eternity.
Some brokenness is so deep that the healthiest relationship is one of distance.
This gospel passage and the call to beloved community should not shame you into
remaining in an abusive, unequal, or unhealthy relationship. Now, that doesn’t
mean we don’t continue to will the good of the other, but the reality is that
sometimes the good means being separated when restoration isn’t possible.
In most situations,
however, thanks to the grace of God, the hard work of reconciliation is
possible. And so we start by being honest, which takes courage and
vulnerability. It’s a lot easier to dismiss someone than to name brokenness and
wrong. Several years ago, I attended a leadership program at the Center for
Creative Leadership in Greensboro – they do some really good work. I remember
that one of the exercises was about how to give feedback and the acronym is
SBI: situation, behavior, impact. Notice there’s no “J” for judgment or “P” for
punishment. The situation was after church last Sunday, your behavior was that
you said you thought my sermon was stupid, and the impact is that I was hurt.
That’s a made-up example – but notice how precise, clear, and unaccusatory the
feedback is. That is how we begin to deal with conflict in the church.
I’ll also use this as an
opportunity to promote the upcoming Enneagram workshop on September 30. The
Enneagram is a wonderful tool that helps us to understand ourselves, and
others, more fully so that we are in a better position to pursue healthier
relationships. That’s why we’re offering this workshop at a church – because it
can help us to become a more beloved community in our homes, workplaces, and
parish.
But sometimes such
conversations don’t go well or address the issue. People get defensive, we
bring too many feelings to the conversation, we bring up the past, we project,
we don’t listen. Next, Jesus tells us we are to bring two or three others to
the conversation. It’s very important to realize why we bring others into the
conversation – it is not to gang-up on the offender. That’s a surefire way to
run them off. No, those others are there to make sure that we’re seeking
beloved community and are on target.
Tyler and I have been
reading a book together called Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More
Loving Relationship. It’s been a really good thing and if you’re in a
relationship, it is good to do things intended to strengthen the relationship.
And, to make sure no rumors get started, our marriage is absolutely fine. Just
like lifting weights is not a sign of weakness, working on a healthy
relationship only makes it stronger.
One of the things that
I’ve been reminded about through this book and that I’m working to grow into is
recognizing that just because we think that we are right does not actually mean
that we are in the right. We all have biases that blinds us. Having two or
three others when we are trying to reconcile a relationship keeps everyone
accountable and focused on building beloved community instead of winning the
argument. Those others that we bring into the conversation are not a judge or
jury, they are there to help us move beyond ourselves so that we can pursue
reconciliation.
Unfortunately, sometimes
beloved community is remains elusive. And so Jesus tells us to treat that one
as “Gentie and a tax collector.” In other words, they need to be removed from
the community so that the discord does not grow and spread, threatening the
rest of the community. This, to be clear, is always a move of last resort. But
we also can’t overlook the fact that this passage is recorded in a gospel
authored by Matthew, a tax collector. We have to remember that Gentiles,
non-Jews, are welcomed into the salvation and community of God all the time –
the Canaanite woman, the Ethiopian eunuch, the Roman centurion. Even those who
are excommunicated and treated as Gentiles and tax collectors always have a
seat at the table. No one is ever outside God’s beloved community. It’s just
that, for a period of time, we have to agree to distance so that the seeds of
peace have enough room to grow.
I’ll be vulnerable and
honest – as a pastor, it wounds and grieves me when this reconciliation doesn’t
work. When members leave St. Luke’s for whatever reason, it pains me. It really
does. And I’m not looking for sympathy or validation. I’m telling you all that
I love you – that my duty, job, vocation, and privilege is to use my time
willing your good. And, more than anything, I believe that what is best for
you, for me, and for all of us is to gather around the Lord’s Table receiving
Christ’s reconciling grace and mercy. If we cannot be bound together by the
Eucharist, what hope is there for the future of the Church? The future of
society?
The people that need to
hear this might aren’t here to hear it, but I think that the Holy Spirit, likely working through you, will make sure they hear it – just know that if you ever choose to
walk away from this Parish, I’m coming after you; in grace, but I’m coming. And
I’m going to be relentless about it. I’m going to tell you that you are missed.
I’m going to tell you that I want to sit down and talk about the issue or
conflict, just like Jesus tells us to do. I’m going to tell you that though we
might have disagreements, we still owe one another the debt of love. I’m going
to tell you that I’ll never write you off or stop holding you in prayer. I’m
going to tell you that there’s always a seat at the table for you. And I pray
and ask that you hold me to the same standard. When I need to be corrected,
literally, for the love of God, please talk to me. When I act like the sinful
human being that I am, please give me a chance to make things right.
The word “Church” is one
that we use to describe this institution, but it’s not all that great of a name
because it doesn’t remind us of who we are or what our calling is. Really, it
would be better if we called ourselves “The Body of Christ Gathered St. Luke’s
Salisbury,” or “The Reconciling Community of St. Luke’s,” or “The Not-So-Anonymous
Sinners of St. Luke’s,” or “The Jesus Followers at St. Luke’s,” or “The Beloved
Community of St. Luke’s.” We are a community that simply owes love to one another
and pursues this love even when it is not easy. This is what it means to be a
Church that follows, acts, and looks like Jesus.
