Grace – the unearned, lavish, and abundant gift of God’s love towards us. I preach about and talk about grace a lot. There are different words that we can use to describe what grace is all about: there are aspects of peace, mercy, justice, hope, and belonging that are embedded in grace. But at its core, grace is a description of God’s love. God loves us not because we are particularly loveable or deserving, but because God is love and love loves to love. And so God loves us and wants us to abide and flourish in this love. Grace is the one-word way of conveying what Christians mean by love.
Though
I’ve always preached about the importance of God’s love, grace hadn’t always
been central to my theology or spirituality. It wasn’t that grace was
unimportant to me, it’s just that until I had felt myself caught by God’s grace
it wasn’t foundational. I might say that I intellectually knew that Jesus is
the Savior, but I had not fully known him as my Savior because, quite frankly,
I’m not sure that I was convinced that I needed to be saved from much. I don’t think
I was alone in such a feeling. A lot of us have our lives reasonably well put
together and we can point to our hard work as the cause for the successes we’ve
had.
There’s
no dramatic story or anything like that brought me around to experiencing my
need for God’s grace, but it was, absolutely, a turning point in my faith and life. It was a
mountaintop experience, but only because it happened while I was at Sewanee one
summer in my doctoral program when the seeds of grace were planted. I can
remember the exact spot where it happened – I was out on a run and was listening
to a podcast put out by Mockingbird Ministries. It’s a grace-centric
organization that seeks to connect the Christian faith with the realities of
everyday life. They do this through podcasts, conferences, articles, and a magazine.
Quoting from their website, “Behind our entire project lies the conviction that
none of us ever move beyond our need to hear the basic good news of God’s
Grace. In particular, none of us ever fully escape the gravitational pull of
personal control and anxiety when it comes to life and how we live it. Hence
the name Mockingbird, which refers to that bird’s peculiar habit of repeating
the song it has heard, over and over again.” Their ministry is to sound those
notes of grace, and in 2016 I heard them with the ears of my heart for the first
time.
Grace
though is something that we grow into, and I still am. Grace is similar to love
in that love is not something that we have as a possession, it is something that
we grow deeper into as it becomes a part of our identity and being. And when we
are aware that we are growing in grace, we are in good company. For whatever
reason, St. Thomas was not with the disciples on that first Easter evening when
the Risen Jesus came to them and said “Peace be with you.” We should never call
him “Doubting Thomas” because his problem wasn’t doubt, it was experience. He had
heard of Jesus’ Resurrection, but he had not experienced it. That gap between
knowledge and experience is one that we all struggle with. We hear that we are
forgiven, but it’s just words until we feel the release of mercy. We say that we
believe in the Holy Spirit, but until we’ve felt her blowing in our lives, it
sounds more like doctrine than it does faith. And so Jesus comes in grace to
Thomas to meet him, just as Jesus had met the other disciples, and bestow peace
upon them.
In
my experience, one of the struggles of faith is to accept grace as a gift. The
reason why I’ve been thinking about St. Thomas and Mockingbird Ministries this
week is because I’ve realized that I’m still growing into grace, and I still
struggle with accepting it. You all know that my sabbatical starts in about an
hour or two. Last week, I was meeting with my spiritual director as I do
regularly. And a word on spiritual direction; it’s not just for clergy. Spiritual
direction is about sitting with someone who is trained to help us listen more
deeply and intentionally to God. I’ve had a spiritual director for a long time
and I highly recommend it to all. So as we were meeting last week, he asked me how
I’m feeling as I am approaching sabbatical. Obviously, there is some
excitement. But there’s another set of emotions that I struggle to put into
words – but it’s something like embarrassment or shame. It’s very well-meaning,
I know, but I’ve had so many people say something to me like “You deserve this.”
My struggle has been in believing that’s true.
Now
I’m not fishing for compliments or validation; I’m speaking about something that
I know I struggle with and I don’t think that I’m the only one. The fact of the
matter is that there are a lot of people who work really hard and have really
demanding jobs and don’t get three paid months off work, who don’t get to go to
England for seven weeks, who don’t have their work so valued and appreciated.
The concept of sabbatical feels a bit too luxurious for me. Yes, I know that I
work hard and that I’m a competent priest – I don’t need to be reassured of
that. But teachers, nurses, counselors, business owners, other church staff –
goodness knows, they all work incredibly hard as well and they also could
benefit from having a sabbatical. So, in that comparative sense, I’m just not
sure that I deserve this.
Part
of this is my personality and the way in which the word “deserve” is a call to
action for a Type-A personality like me. And here I’m going to promote a
workshop that I’m excited we’re hosting at St. Luke’s on September 30. It’s a Saturday
and we’re bringing someone in to facilitate a workshop on the Enneagram, which
is a way of understanding ourselves more deeply. You might say it’s a more spiritually
grounded and holistic version of the Myers-Briggs. So file that away as
something to attend in the fall. But based on my Enneagram type, deserving
really matters to me. I want to deserve things, I want to earn things, I want
to properly use the things that I am given.
The
problem with this is that all of those tendencies run against the message of
grace. There is no other way to describe this upcoming sabbatical other than as
a blessing. Truly, this is a blessing, a gift to me. As I was meeting with my
spiritual director, he helped me to recognize that I am struggling to accept this
as a blessing. We live in a meritocracy where we are taught that nothing is
free and everything has to be earned. Society teaches us that if we don’t use
our resources well, they will be taken away and given to someone who will use them
better than we are. Just think about how we have a ritual around paying for a
check at a restaurant – “Let me get that.” “No, it’s on me.” “No, you don’t
have to do that; let’s split it.” “I insist, this is on me.” “Well, next time
it’s on me.” Why can’t we simply receive the gift and say “Thank you”? We might
say that blessings are antithetical to our American culture. But God is a God
of blessing, and our inability to get away from words like “ought,” “should,”
and “deserve” puts up a barrier to us fully receiving the gift of God’s grace.
You
all know that I very rarely talk about myself in sermons because I’m not the
point. But I’m sharing this because I see my job as doing something similar to
what Mockingbird does – to point to Jesus, to repeat that song of grace, and to
help people to come and see this love that is making all things well. And
because so many of us struggle to accept gifts, it means that we also struggle
to accept grace. It is my prayer that in sharing my experience of this, others
will also be able to receive the gift of God’s blessings. To be clear, I still
very much want to take this sabbatical, but over the past week as I’ve been
praying about accepting this wonderful blessing, I feel like I’ve already
received the fullness of the sabbatical in being able to receive this as a gift
instead of seeing as something that I deserve.
Prayer
really has been a lot of what has gotten me to point of being able to now receive
this sabbatical as a gracious blessing. There are other reasons though why I receive
this as a gift. As I’ve said recently in other sermons, I have a palpable sense
that the Spirit is up to something at St. Luke’s. While no church is perfect,
this one is quite good. I can’t tell you all how amazing our staff is and what
a joy it is to work with them all. You all are active and engaged. This is a
congregation that is open to taking risks and trying new things, and when we
have issues, we deal with them in a healthy way. We have challenges ahead of us
to be sure. The Church is changing as our world is changing, but I’m really
excited about where the Spirit is leading us. This sabbatical is a further
blessing that God is giving me to help me to grow further in grace as I have
some time to rest and listen so that I can continue to lead faithfully in the
years to come.
You all are also a huge
reason why I am able to receive this as a gift. I completely and fully trust
you all and I’ve not had one single thought about things going sideways while I’m
away. Might issues pop up? Sure. But I trust our Vestry and staff to handle it.
I trust Father Tom’s ministry while I’m away. I trust Greg Shields’ leadership
as Senior Warden. I know that Deacon Bonnie will keep our eye on mission. I
know that Stephen is going to continue his excellence in our music ministry. I
know that Mark is going to have the office running smoothly. I know that
Caroline will continue to be consistently awesome in keeping us connected. I
know that Heather is going to bring new energy and creativity to our programs with
children and families. I know that Marcus will continue his care for this
sacred space. I know that as the Foundation, Mission Committee, and Mother’s
Morning Out continue to grow and evolve that it is with the Spirit’s guidance. The
way that so many of you have reached out to tell me that you are willing and
ready to make sure that Tyler, Eleanor, and Rowen have all they need while I am
in England means the world to me as well.
It was almost exactly
nine years ago that I had my first interview with the search committee at St.
Luke’s. I’ll never forget that first conversation that we had. Cathy Green said
something to the effect of “We know that God is going to do great things at St.
Luke’s, with or without a priest and we’d like a priest who can help us to go
further in that.” After that first interview, I remember saying to Tyler “This
is the one.” It’s what I cherish so much about being a part of this beloved
community. It might be my name at the top of the staff list, but this is our
parish. We are committed to one another, to this community, and ultimately to
responding to God’s love. Serving as the priest at St. Luke’s is a tremendous
blessing, one that I don’t deserve. But God’s grace and love aren’t about
deserving, they are about receiving and enjoying. And with all of my heart, I
thank God for the blessing of being called to serve with you all in this special
place. I also thank God for the call to rest and receive the blessing of a
sabbatical.
So while I’m away, keep
it up. I would ask that you keep me in prayer – that I am able to receive this
time as the gift and the blessing as it is. Though I’ll be away and not engaged
in ministry at St. Luke’s for a few months, you will remain in my heart and
prayers. At the close of today’s Gospel reading, we heard St. John write that “Jesus
did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in
this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is
the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in
his name.” The book hasn’t been closed yet. Jesus is still doing many other
signs in our lives and in this Parish. I look forward to the blessing of this sabbatical,
and I also look forward to the blessing of returning in late July to see what
new signs of God’s grace there will be for us to come and see.
